I run 7 different Meetup groups. Meetup.com is a website that hosts groups of various topics to create in-person social networking groups. There are thousands of topics and groups all around the world.
I run a variety of groups: Japanese (culture & language), Geekdom (geek culture), Pirates (historical reenactment), Pagan (pre-Christian beliefs), Witches (those who practice witchcraft), Leading Ladies (women Meetup organizers), and The Cemetery Girls Tea Society (a women’s social club).
I get emails from both members of the groups I organize as well as “non-members”, people who are members of Meetup.com, but not of the groups I run. Overall most of the emails are basic questions regarding a group or an upcoming event. However, on occasion I will get a ridiculous email so outrageous I have to document it.
I readily admit I can be a pain in the ass about how I deal with some emails that I have deemed ridiculous. If I’m asked a question, and somehow I know they really mean to ask me something else, I will not volunteer the answer. I will answer the question asked and nothing more. From my perspective if they want to know something it is best they choose to ask me directly what they want to know, instead of beating around the bush or trying to get to their answer from a sideways direction. But if they make a ridiculous request and/or foolishly assume things about me in their correspondence, then to me I feel as though I have no choice but to have fun with it.
Perhaps one of my most ridiculous and outrageous emails came from a “non-member” a few years back. Just for reference, my screen name is MistressPrime (no space between the two names). I’ve also removed all the other names listed in the email.
Hello Mistress Prime,
My name is [NAME] and I am sending you this message to make a
request. I hope you don’t mind me asking as I understand that
I’m not a “member'” yet. I just wrote this message a moment ago
but was unable to send it. My former girlfriend ([NAME]) dropped
me like a hot potato in December for truly no apparent reason.
We had been living together for almost 4 years! We had just
returned from a fun and romantic weekend in San Francisco just
a couple of weeks before, and she came by my place and said it
was over between us? We had actually maintained somewhat of a
friendship for a while up until May, when she said she never
wished to see or hear from me again? I just found out that she
has met a guy and asked him to live with him in a 1 bedroom
apartment with her teenage daughter (very unhealthy). The
things I am going to ask you may very well happen anyway in
life, so the requests are not in my opinion much of a stretch
of things that might very well happen anyway.
My wish/request is that you or someone in the group will cast
spells on her and this guy with the following consequences;
That she would have a severe and abrupt falling out with this
guy (I think his name is [NAME]) and that the relationship would
end quickly and immediately as she has just grown tired of this
guy with no forewarning for this guy. And that this guy would
lose his job. And this guy would suddenly become severely ill
and unable to function at all (like mononucleosis). And that
they will be unable to have any type of physical relationship
whatsoever. I don’t know what he does although more than
likely he doesn’t earn much of an income anyway. And she would
ask this guy to move out immediately with absolutely no
warning. I wish for her finances to turn disastrous and
collapse. She is a straight commissioned hairdresser and
business has been down anyway. I want her clients to dwindle to
3 or 4 per day in her Tuesday thru Saturday workweek, and that
her last appointments each day would be after 6PM. And she
would have automobile problems that will cost her hundreds of
dollars for repairs. Money that she just does not have. And
that she would face severe emotional depression as her world
continues to disintegrate before her. And her friends [NAME] and
[NAME], [NAME]and [NAME], [NAME]and [NAME]would abandon her as
they are disgusted with the choices that she has made. And that
[NAME] and [NAME] would stop financially supporting her so she has
no other sources of income available. I want her to contact me
for help, humbly, and I have always been here for her and would
have given her just about anything if she would have only
asked, and have given anything she wanted when we were
together. As you can see I am upset but really wish her to be
shaken so that she can see that it wasn’t so bad after all
being with [NAME]. If you need me to attend a meeting to have
these spells come to pass I’m not opposed, but I would request
that these calamities happen immediately (as I understand
October is a great month for the occult). I do believe that
Satan is the Prince of this world, and if you have a direct
connection with Him I would ask you to please have him unleash
his powers of sadness and woe upon her and this guy. I want her
to wake-up and see what a mess she’s made of her life and her
Thank you so much in advance for allowing me to share some of
my anger that I hope will translate into prayers to Satan. I
believe He will answer requests when it is to inflict a little
pain on someone. I don’t wish death upon her, just severe
unhappiness for the bad choices that she has made.
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE Mistress Prime.
There is so much wrong with this email! Initially I read it with both disbelief and laughter while at the same time felt his ex-girlfriend was incredibly smart to get away from this guy.
Ok, so perhaps one of the first things you should know about me is that I practice a polytheistic pagan religion (Wicca) and much of my personal belief system is based on pre-Christian and some Eastern theology. Satan doesn’t exist in my world and thus I do not have a “direct connection with Him”, but clearly, that’s a non-issue for this guy. I have a strong belief in karma as well, and therefore I do my best to be mindful of my own actions.
After laughing a while at this message I decided to respond. I explained I would help him with his request, but I had certain requirements, payment, for starters; I don’t work for free! My fee for a service of this magnitude was $3,400. I further required both his and her last names and locations. Lastly I needed a sacrifice from him… his own blood. I don’t believe I specified a quantity.
You might think I would consider doing the job based on my response. Nay. I wanted the ability to contact his ex to let her know what he was doing. I had a feeling she would not be surprised, but a heads up might be appreciated. The work that I planned to do was to ensure her and her daughter’s safety, health, and well being and that his request be a gift to himself. Remember that kids saying, “I’m rubber and you’re glue”? Essentially, I planned to help his energy of harm for her find its way back to himself. The money was then to be donated to a battered women’s shelter.
So what was the blood for? I honestly thought that if the money wasn’t a big enough obstacle for him that perhaps the requested sacrifice would be. If it wasn’t then I had a greater insight to what level of whacko I was dealing with.
Though it really shouldn’t be surprising he did not further communicate with me regarding his request. Can’t say I’m sorry to lose the business on that one.